remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
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