quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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