Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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