my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
