It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
