well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
