I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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