The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
