Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
