i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
