remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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