It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
