I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
They have beer where we have blood.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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