Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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