I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
