and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
