i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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