shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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