he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
