I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
