i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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