Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
