watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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