I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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