I hate all girls vehemently.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
