I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Randomize
