I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
