Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
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