So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
