I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
