areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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