I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
