Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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