i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
