a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
