return my video game
it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
