Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
