you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
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