you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
nutella sex= disaster
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
