Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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