I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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