my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
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