Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
