i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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