I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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