we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
