Do you still have your period?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
