she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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