Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
