At least make sure they are 18
Why
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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