the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
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