I faked an abortion last night.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
