they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Did I show you my penis last night?
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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