life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I understand Curling. That high.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
