Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
