so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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