**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
