I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
